Some things are very difficult to explain to others, who are benighted of the subject you want to discuss.
Consider explaining to a stray dog in Beijing Kant’s “Critique of Pure Speech” in the native language of the German philosopher.
If the dog does not start hunting you, at most it will wag its tail at you, asking for a snack.
When you are hanging out with friends who have no idea about this particular music, you can easily understand the exaggeration of this comparison.
It is not a rare phenomenon, not even any secret, that one can hardly explain Heavy Metal, let alone its genres.
Of course, all this to someone who can’t shudder with Randy Rhoads‘ solos or Dio‘s voice.
However, where there is a problem, there is a solution. As long as there is an appetite for knowledge and a mood for humor!
So, if someone benighted asks you to explain the type of Metal you hear, the following answers are ideal!
If you still want to improvise, you can just use them as a base to make fun!
Caution! Do not overdo it with improvisation!!!
For starters let’s start with the original… metal gods, who are a category by themselves!
They are officially the first metal band and the one who sings ‘Crazy Train’, was their singer.
If he asks about the song, just sing the original riff, for sure he has heard it somewhere as a cover.
Imagine Cookie Monster from Sesame Street scratching excerpts from a book by Edward Lee (horror book author), while trying to give you a migraine/headache.
If you are unfamiliar with these words, consider the owner of a folk counter with bronchitis to advertise his stuff.
Where tomatoes think of a scene splatter from a Tarantino movie!
Some guys with depression along with Freudian issues with their mom, trying to become rock stars, and sometimes they even succeed.
At the same time, they avoid showing their cultural irrelevance in the face of hip-hop.
Like nu-metal, but the lyrics are like death metal.
They are the bands that look like Kiss, but they are not.
They sound like death metal, but they are not, because their lyrics speak of devils of all religions, which they curse with a lot of swearing.
Their singer does not need to take vocal lessons, he just looks evil on stage.
It is metal with some computer gadgets recorded in a factory for making tin pots.
It is for those who like “The Lord of the Rings” and similar stories about dragons.
It is metal for some guys, who go to renaissance and medieval festivals, but do not burn witches.
It is metal for those who like Thor and other Scandinavian gods but have no idea of Scandinavian mythology and cosmogony.
It is metal for those who drink a lot of grass and are permanently “high”.
It is metal for those who drink a lot of grass and are always “high” and very pessimistic.
They cannot watch fast chords because they are choking on tears.
What is a chord? Say it’s just music for pessimistic metalheads.
Crust Punk & Sludge Metal
It is metal for those who drink a lot of grass and are permanently “high” and do not believe in the use of deodorant.
It is metal for those who drink a lot of grass and are permanently “high” and in constant depression.
It is metal played with an orchestra. With a shapely woman on vocals, usually.
Symphonic Black Metal
It is black metal that played with an orchestra and more expensive costumes.
It is like Hadjidakis only for metalheads. It is played by guys who do not even look like metalheads and have read a lot of books.
Some of them scream, some sing, but they all have tattoos.
It is catchy music by kids, who want to look like protagonists of “Sons of Anarchy” with lots of neon lights.
Do you know the song ‘Breaking the Law’? Well, that’s it.
Do you know Metallica? Ehh, let’s just say I’ve seen better than Nothing Else Matters.
Have you seen T-shirts that have the Black Flag on them?
Sometimes the Misfits also work with them. It’s basically punk in even faster.
Leave it, it’s not even music for you. You hear it as if someone is singing through a goat, which he just slaughtered.
It’s metal for those who don’t even like metal. But they want to catch some chick, saying they’re listening to Glam Metal.
Of course, this list has nothing to do with reality and each genre has many interesting features and ways of composition.
But if a friend or acquaintance, completely unrelated to music wants to ask you a question about our music …
You have easy, fast, and effective tag lines so you do not have to really answer!